Pattinized Chuck Norrisisms

I found these on an IMDB board and thought they were just too wonderful not to share. To the author, whoever you may be, we thank you!

Rob Pattinson can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. 

When Rob sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, laying on the ground with a cigarette in his mouth. Rob Pattinson has not had to pay taxes, ever. 

Rob Pattinson doesn't wash his clothes, he melts them with his inveterate hotness. 

Rob Pattinson is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Rob Pattinson. 

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Rob Pattinson turned that wine into beer. 

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Rob Pattinson. 

When Rob Pattinson calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. And then they keep calling him back. 

There are no races, only countries of people Rob Pattinson has dazzled. 

When Rob Pattinson falls in water, Rob Pattinson doesn't get wet. Water gets Rob Pattinson. 

Rob Pattinson sleeps with a night light. Not because Rob Pattinson is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Rob Pattinson. 

Rob Pattinson only plays his trumpet to pictures of Rob Pattinson. 

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Rob Pattinson. 

When Rob Pattinson talks, everybody listens. And is dazzled. 

Rob Pattinson doesnt shave; he licks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Rob Pattinson is Rob Pattinson. 

Rob Pattinson invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. 

Rob Pattinson has the sexiest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite not being born yet, holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. 

If you have a dollar and Rob Pattinson has a dollar, Rob Pattinson has more money than you. 

There is no ctrl button on Rob Pattinson's computer. Rob Pattinson is always in control. 

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Rob Pattinson. 

Rob Pattinson doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Rob Pattinson throws down! 

Rob Pattinson and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building. 

Rob Pattinson can touch MC Hammer. 

Rob Pattinson is responsible for China's over-population. His GQ cover was shown in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly. 

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Rob Pattinson has allowed to live. 

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Rob Pattinson pajamas. 

Rob Pattinson invented the cigarette, liquor, sexual intercourse, and In & Out Burger -- in that order. 

Rob Pattinson is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2012 Olympics, even though Rob Pattinson does not swim. This is because when Rob Pattinson enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Rob Pattinson simply walks across the pool floor. 

Rob Pattinson eats Hot Pockets and craps pine trees. Then, he uses those pine trees to make paper, which he uses to make a magazine and sell more Hot Pockets. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life." 

Rob Pattinson is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. 

Rob Pattinson doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma. 

Rob Pattinson has to maintain a concealed weapon license in order to legally wear pants. 

Rob Pattinson is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Pattinson claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis. 

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